The Point Please.

When I am traveling around, doing my thing, I notice people. Its what I do best. I notice them living lives I'll never live. Doing things I'll never do. Being someone I'll never be. Its not that I lack the capacity for success. I am smart, capable, creative, funny and all sorts of other good qualities. But there is one thing missing. One part of my brain never developed or I never learned something as a kid, what ever it is, it left me completely devoid of the ability to connect to people on a deep level. My anxieties control my life. If I want to do something, they jump out of no where and push me down. Make me avoid things. Make me a loser.

So why am I writing this down? Fuck you, thats why. Its my blog I'll bitch about my short comings all I want. No one reads this anyway, so fuck you. Now, can I continue? My problem is I have always been alone, even when surrounded by people. I had a few short brushes with intimacy and a lot of good that did me. Now I'm haunted by memories of what could have been. And what never was. My brain has twisted those memories so many times I can't even be sure how much really happened, how much was just fantasy, and how much was some weird combination of the two.

So please, cherish the person you are with. Worship them. Admire them. Touch them. Smile at them. Be patient with them. Listen to their stories. Laugh at their jokes. Don't get mad at them. Most of all, love them. Grab onto to happiness because it sucks out there without it. When you are alone, when you have always been alone, life sucks. You don't even know why you get out of bed in the morning. All you know is that there is this aching inside you, this blackness that throbs when you see a happy couple. It is like a vacuum, pulling at the back of your throat. Choking you. Making your heart skip a few beats and not in the good way.

If you are married, or attached or however you define it, just be happy. Its not that hard. If she is being a bitch, smile, say your sorry, suck it up, hug her, do something to feel close. Tell her she looks beautiful even if she doesn't. Especially if she doesn't. Don't take her for granted. She could be gone tomorrow. Take it from me, having someone who drives you crazy, is better than having no one at all.