I Hate Babies.

So you tell a new mother that no, you don't want to hold her child because you are worried your hatred of all things baby with boil up and out and you will boot kick that slimy thing against the fridge. And all of the sudden you are a bad person. Why? Because you hate babies? Whats so wrong with that? They are gross. They just sit there and poo. Than they cry. Than you got to feed them. Its like having a monkey without all the joy of owning a monkey.

Which leads me to my point. If you are thinking about having a kid, forget it. Buy a monkey. If I had a monkey me and Kong (thats what I would name him. Not like King Kong but like Slim Pickins character from Dr. Strangelove.) we would be hanging out all the time. I would teach him to smoke a bong and lift ladies skirts and he would teach me how to climb trees and eat a banana with my foot.

So people of America. Save the planet. Buy a monkey. The best thing about it is that if you already have a baby than a new monkey might kill it. Than you can't get in trouble for murder because the monkey did it. Even if you did give it a knife.